no phones. no speech. no thoughts. no emotions.

That is true downtime.

A level of conciseness impossible to achieve in this over stimulated reality.  The attempt is futile.

However, this phenomenon arrives every now and then without an invitation.

You are alive but you do not exist.

Unmediated state of Nothingness.

You do not feel a thing but a few moments later you feel fear.

Fear of losing yourself. Losing time.

New Found Difficulty in Thinking.


The candle gone out.

I knew. Saturday, November 11, 2017 10:03 AM


I knew I was going to lose.

Never really believed in myself much.

Just in our connection.

Now I have lost.

No regrets.

Never wish to rewrite.

Hope you marry him.

Hope he develops fun.

Makes things exciting when they aren’t.

It’s the only way to deal with the emptiness in this world.

I love you. Love of my life.


To go from not being excited to see anyone.

To go from day to day.

To now moment by moment.

In the gap just replaying memories.

Only fear is you forgetting them.

Ill retell them a good joke.

Naked memories.

Of bliss.

The change you bring.

The power you have over me without any agreements.


Been in this area for 8 years.

And only now it is a home with memories.

Been breathing. But with you.

I’m alive.

Take a nap.

I wont forget it.

Sorry gold.

My big fear is forgetting memories to.

When I die that’s all you got.

When you die its all I got.

When we are lost. It’s the road back. \


Only thing I want to do is have you.

All of you there in the moment.

The whole painting.

It will exist when I’m not there.

And I want it to keep painting itself.

So I can come back and look at it again.

Recall what I love and learn to love the new.


Never been sad and happy so many times in one time period.

It is my fault. I try to fill in too many blanks.

Well that’s education fucking me up.

Never teaching us to relax.

Appreciate everything.

Want only what you need.


Well you may never rad this.

Because by now its probably already too late.

Don’t settle. Subdue yourself. Let another stop you.

All the people I have met none have been like you.

Not even close.

Who knew basic was rare. 😛

Still making light of everything.

Guess you find the light in everything when you’re constantly in the dark.


I have been making a music for 10 years.

I never published anything due to my own criticism. Too scared.

Then i was going through a hard time. and music was my water.

I would drown in it.  Eventually, i ran out of songs. got angry none of them reflected my emotions exactly.

so that night where i could had sworn the sun never even woke up. I wrote a song an just posted it for me. So i never would forget that day.

The following is the song.


She gives me everything
She brings me her precious things.
She brings to me.
Do I leave her.
Call down the stars that shine
Ill Kiss the sky.
Our love will never die
I cannot lie.

Do I leave her.

She flavors me so sweet
Just to steal everything

Jump through the all this wire
Just To meet you here.

Do I leave her

Only a matter of time
Before she is mine.
How do I tell her
I’m leaving you

Do I leave her.

(Do not normally sings )( I cant )

This is my early version of an old Beatles song I remade and rewrote.

Connection Vs. Title

Life is annoying isn’t it?

society and its labels hurt it more.  

Is your family really family or is it family solely because of biological and or contract reason and everyone around tells you to value the idea of family. the concept of unconditional that many believe only exits in this one area in nature. Your tribe who will not caste you out and forgive all your mistakes, all the laws you break and adjust to you. In a sense its all fake, is all flavor added to your life by the chef named society.

I Think real family is the one you chose to be with. 

The rest is just you being on an island and just making the best of it.