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Hannibal Season 3 Ep 7 The Great Red Dragon

This week’s episode opens on the great red tooth dragon fairy himself Francis Dolarhyde, who’s sitting alone at work in a cafeteria staring intently at his hand until something truly disturbing on the table catches his eye– No, but seriously. Something TRULY DISTURBING on the table catches his eye– Okay, so we don’t know the […]

No, but seriously. Something TRULY DISTURBING on the table catches his eye–

Okay, so we don’t know the significance of this image yet (nor am I entirely sure of the proper usage of the word ‘philistine’), but we do know that it inspires Francis to do some yoga that involves a greater than average amount of sweating and gyrating and hip thrusting and dark-attic-lair-lurking.

After his training montage, he heads to his friendly neighborhood Chinese Fucked Up Denture Dispensary, which appears to be located within a smoke machine, but is probably actually in Hong Kong (as per the book). He buys some fucked up dentures and gets a full back tattoo of the Red Dragon while he’s at it because, oh yeah, they administer tattoos too.

I’m not sure what just happened or how long or where exactly this took place, but I have a feeling I just watched the origin story of a Marvel super villain.

Speaking of super villains and their origin stories, Hannibal is hanging out in his memory palace, which currently looks like the Norman Chapel and contains choir boys and lots of pious-looking people.

This scene is intercut with Hannibal getting arrested and newspaper headlines announcing the arrest and ends with Hannibal standing alone in his cell, which is actually really nice compared to the rat-infested medieval dungeon Will was kept in last season?

Uh-oh. Hold on to your fucked up dentures, guys, because we’re about to suddenly and unexpectedly CUT TO THREE YEARS LATER.

Hannibal is talking to Alana Bloom in his memory palace office over a glass of wine, but is actually talking to Alana Bloom in his cell over a glass of wine.

“Congratulations, Hannibal,” Alana says. “You’re officially insane.” Wooohooo, someone pop the phallic champagne bottles! Hannibal’s officially insa– “I’m not insane,” Hannibal says petulantly. Wow, someone woke up on the wrong side of the fancy prison cot this morning.

Alana agrees that Hannibal “defies categorization.” Once again, I’ll point out that this is only due to a lack of imagination on the psychiatrists’ parts. I already have a running list of categories Hannibal could definitively be placed into, but may I add here: Definitely Not Insane and Petulant Child.

Either way, Hannibal avoided the federal death penalty even though he could have been convicted a dozen times over.

“A baker’s dozen,” says Hannibal, always a stickler for technicalities, reminding her that he took the fall for Mason’s murder and accepting her decidedly absent “thank you” with grace.

Hannibal reminds Alana of his previous promise to kill her. Alana looks a little shaken despite herself. I continue to worry about the constant foreshadowing of Alana’s untimely death.

Over at Mr. Red Dragon’s attic lair, Dolarhyde is looking into a cracked mirror and trying to practice speaking without a lisp. It’s the first time we see the cleft in his lip up close because they did a really good job concealing it before.

When that fails, he resorts to shrieks and grunts that sound less like dragon noises, and more like pterodactyl noises. But don’t be too hard on him. He’s still a young dragon-in-training.

While he’s doing that, he hears a growling noise coming somewhere from the room. He looks around perturbed.

Cut to Dolarhyde standing outside in the light of the moon, covered head to toe in blood. I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that he just killed someone. Crazy theory, I know. But I’m pretty good at reading between the lines.

Later, it’s Chilton’s turn to talk to Hannibal in his cell. Hannibal’s madesanguinaccio dolce for them. Okay, who is giving Hannibal cooking implements? Who obtained wine and almond milk and cow’s blood for him? Is this prison or Celebrity Rehab? At least they had the wherewithal to give him plastic utensils smfh.

Chilton tells Hannibal that his next book won’t be about him, but rather the Tooth Fairy because Hannibal the Cannibal was so 2015 (what year are we in anyway?). He wants to know Hannibal the Has-Been’s opinion on the Tooth Fairy.

He goes on to say that Hannibal with his “fancy allusions and fussy aesthetics” will always have “niche appeal,” while the Tooth Fairy is more universal appeal with a wider demographic because he targets whole families.

Right you are, Frederick. Right you are. And isn’t it just wonderful?

Later, Chilton is lounging in what appears to be his office at the BSHCI, but it’s his office no longer because Alana comes in and tells him to get the fuck out of her chair.

We find out that Hannibal is writing an article for the American Journal of Psychiatry that has nothing to do with any of the problems he actually has much to Chilton’s chagrin. I mean, what is Chilton expecting here exactly? An article from Hannibal Lecter entitled “Cannibals: They Feel Feelings Just Like The Rest of Us Who Knew?” Actually that’s probably exactly what he’s expecting.

Chilton says that when he talked to Hannibal about the Tooth Fairy he “detected a trace of competitive vanity.” Really, Frederick? All I detected in Hannibal was a trace of ‘thinking you’re a total dumbass’ but Lord knows I’m no Will Graham.

Chilton warns that “the young Turk may inspire the old Lithuanian to keep himself interesting,” but he seems more excited by the prospect than concerned.

Speaking of young Turks, Mr. Red Dragon is looking at video footage on a projector. He starts hearing the growling and snarling from before and hallucinates that the movie reel tape wraps around his face and light starts pouring from his eyes and mouth.

Later, while Hannibal is cutting out newspaper clippings of the Tooth Fairy murders in his cell, Dolarhyde reveals another of his super villain powers: MURDER SCRAPBOOKING.

Dolarhyde takes out an old tome and pastes in the “Perfect Families” news clipping. We know he’s a serial killer because he makes words out of letters cut from lots of different magazines.

Hannibal starts penning a letter to Will.

Speaking of Will, who is totally 100% over Hannibal and not thinking about him AT ALL Hannibal Lecter who?, Will is making some repairs on the shed of his new house, when a car pulls up and Jack Crawford steps out.

Wow, we got to see Will Graham happy and unburdened for a whole 3 seconds. We are a spoiled fandom, guys.

But Jack isn’t one to be deterred by the cold OR common sense OR Will’s sick camouflage skills.

Will lets Jack sit out on the porch but won’t let him inside because he might track in crime scene tape or spread some murder on the new carpets or something.

Will is (understandably) pissed that Jack came to fetch his help. He doesn’t think he can be of any use to him now.

JACK NO.

As Jack is emotionally blackmailing Will into helping him, Molly and Walter, Molly’s son, approach the house. Molly must invite Jack in despite his trail of murder and despair because the next scene they’re all sitting around the dining table eating dinner.

Molly talks about their dogs and Will says that Molly likes collecting strays and they smile adorably at each other.

Walter (henceforth Wally, which is as close to Willy as I can get it) either reads the room incredibly well or has zero tact because he suddenly gets up to “take the dogs out for a pee.” Will accompanies him, leaving Molly and Jack at the table.

Instead of battling to the death for Will’s soul (which I personally would’ve liked to see), Jack promises to make it as easy on Will as he can and slides the photos of the murdered families over to Molly because emotional blackmail always works better when it’s coming from two directions.

Later that night, Will and Molly talk in their bedroom about whether Will should help Jack.

“If you stay and there’s more killing maybe it will sour this place for you,” Molly says. Interestingly, this is almost verbatim what Jack tells Will inCoquilles, except, you know, Molly is not a dick about it (which might be worse actually).

Molly, who unfortunately doesn’t understand what TV show she’s in, says that she’d have the satisfaction of knowing Will did the right thing. Oh, Molly. My idealistic sweet summer child Molly. Forget those other families. I hear they weren’t even that perfect.

Will warns her that he’ll be different when he gets back.

Molly says that she’ll still be the same. Well, in that case.

After Molly’s asleep, Will walks over to the most prominent drawer in his dresser and takes out his porn stash Hannibal’s letter. Seriously, Will? The middle top drawer? It’s like you want your porn secret letters from a serial killer cannibal with whom you had an EXTREMELY tempestuous and unhealthy relationship to be found or something.

Will reads the letter. It’s a master class in reverse psychology.

That must be the extra impetus Will needs because next thing we know he’s at the Leeds family in Buffalo, New York in the middle of the night to do some investigating. Nothing could go wrong. It’s not like the last time Will pulled this shit he was attacked by a zombie girl and touched dead zombie skin or lost time or anything like that.

Some instinct leads Will to open the refrigerator door where he instantly finds the one real piece of physical evidence they gain in this episode: a half eaten Babybel cheese wheel.

Will walks upstairs to the bloodstained master bedroom and flips through the case file and starts to look a little overwhelmed when he closes his eyes and goes into his pendulum trance.

Not gonna go into too much detail here because I doubt anyone wants a play by play recap of the awful murder of an entire family, but I will mention that the killer broke all the mirrors in the house and arranged the dead family members with shards of glass in their eyes and mouths. Welp, that’s enough of that.

Here’s a slowed down gif of the entire 3 seconds of the episode that Will was happy and unburdened:

Ah, those were the good ole days.

Next scene, Jimmy Price arrives to do science and get shit done. I was so excited to see this dork and his reasonably intelligent assistant I literally cheered.

While Zeller checks out the cheese, Price manages to get a fingerprint off of Mrs. Leeds’s eyeball. Back at the BAU, they’re joined by Jack and Will to go over the evidence, which… isn’t much. Just that the killer has fingerprints and teeth that he uses to bite things with like most non-dragon people.

Over at the attic lair of Mr. Red Dragon, Doharhyde is not having a great time dealing with the growling in his head. He looks over at his glass of fucked up dentures on his table and watches as it starts trembling. Uh-oh, I think we all know what that means.

Later, in his motel room, Will, who’s already halfway through a bottle of whiskey poor guy, tries to call Molly, but she doesn’t pick up.

Dammit, Molly! You had one job.

The morning after having a nightmare that involves lots of STRING and PICTURES of “PERFECT FAMILIES” Will heads over to Jack’s office to tell him he needs to do the thing.

Will thinks that there’s a mindset he needs to recover by seeing Hannibal again. Jack reluctantly agrees to this for some reason.

Wow. This is such a bad idea. I can’t stress how much of a bad idea this is. In terms of the history of bad ideas this is like letting a giant wooden horse through the gates of Troy level of bad idea. I fucking love it.

So Will goes off to do the thing.

Is it just me or does it almost feel like no time has passed at all?

Rate ; 8/10

Hannibal Season 3 Ep 6 Digestivo Review

The episode opens with the corrupt Italian police force, led by Commendatore Benetti, busting into Sogliato’s apartment where Hannibal is sawing open Will’s head. Hannibal seems a little surprised to be suddenly inundated with police officers, but his reaction is less like he just got caught sawing open someone’s head and more like someone interrupted […]

Hannibal reluctantly puts aside the saw and gets on his knees, while Jack identifies himself and asks for help. But “helping” is not on Benetti’s ‘To Do’ list. The officers knock Hannibal over the head, hog tie him, bag Will’s head, and decide what they’re going to do with Jack Crawford.

They do that and get promptly shot by Chiyoh.

Meanwhile, Bennetti leaves with Hannibal and Will to go to the place all fictional characters go when they have fulfilled their purpose in the narrative. A sort of fictional Florida where characters live out their final plot arcs in the sun.

Eventually, Chiyoh wanders over to Sogliato’s apartment and asks an immobilized Jack where they’re taking Hannibal and Will.

“They are identically different, Hannibal and Will,” Jack says wisely and with great insight.

But Jack won’t tell her where they are until she pulls out the needle in his neck, which she seems reluctant to do for some reason, considering that she has leverage in the form of a big fucking gun.

She pulls out the needle, Jack tells her to head to Muskrat Farm, and then he does the thing that I would have done somewhere around the midpoint ofAperitif. He recuses himself from the situation.

Later, Alana and Margot are lying in bed after what must have been a good, long arts and crafts session. Margot receives a phone call while Alana looks up at the Hannibal hiding in the ceiling shadows.

Margot worriedly tells Alana that her brother has Hannibal and Will. Alana is like, Yeah, but knowing Mason, he’ll probably need to deliver at least eight separate evil villain monologues in eight separate locations describing in great detail what he’s going to do to them and how he’s going to do it before he even starts in on the torturing part. Plus you have to factor in the time needed for at least three wardrobe changes.

Well, she does have a point. Take your time, guys!

Over at Muskrat Farm, Mason is warming up his evil monologue muscles by monologuing evilly as a truck pulls up. Will and Hannibal are hanging upside down inside.

Okay, but Will has a pretty serious head wound here. Can someone give the guy a bandaid or something? He’s been bleeding out for the whole flight back to the US (or however they traveled across the Atlantic. I like to think they made the crossing upon the backs of Verger pigs).

Mason checks Hannibal’s fat by sticking his father’s knife in Hannibal’s back. Hannibal takes the knife in his back with great aplomb and zero fucks. Mason declares that he needs to fatten Hannibal up.

While Will looks on in a drugged and grumpy stupor, Mason gives an evil monologue about how strong pigs are and says that Hannibal is best exotic pig that he’s ever seen.

OH SHIT. Mason just called Hannibal a fancy pig. No one calls Hannibal a fancy pig and escapes with their SPERM INTACT.

“We are going to have some good, funny times, Dr. Lecter,” Mason declares.

Later Mason is lying in bed as if he doesn’t have a dangerous cannibal on his estate that really should be taken care of sooner rather than later. He tells Alana that Jack’s dead, but Margot strolls in and is like, Uh no he’s not. He’s still on his Luther Netflix binge, though he’s thinking about switching to The Following soon. He keeps yelling at his TV that Luther and Hardy don’t know how good they’ve got it. It’s weird.

Alana tells Mason that if he plays with his food, he gives it the opportunity to bite back.

“Oh, I’m not playing, Dr. Bloom,” Mason assures her. But, Mason, how about the good, funny times you guys had? They were so good, so funny!

But Alana points out that Hannibal is always playing.

Cue first wardrobe change. Will and Hannibal are changed into their dinner attire. Their clothes are sufficiently hideous that even I, with the fashion sense of a fancy pig, am offended by them.

“There is an inescapable parallel between you and Jezebel, Mason,” Hannibal says as they’re rolled to the dinner table. What? Mason is also a feminist blog? “Keen Bible student that you are, you’ll recall dogs ate Jezebel’s face, along with the rest of her.” Oh, Bible reference. Sure, I knew that.

Mason tells them that Cordell will be performing the face-off because he’s apparently also really good at delicate surgical procedures.

Mason compares Will and Hannibal to the German man who advertised for a friend and then ate him and his penis. Hannibal laughs goodnaturedly at the comparison.

If he did, though, Tattle Crime (dot com) would totally run that ad, just saying.

“You’re going to eat him… with my face?” Will says, slowly emerging from his drug induced fog.

Can I just take a moment to point out what a brilliant character Mason Verger is? He could literally in this moment say that he wants to exact his revenge by covering Hannibal Lecter in supermarket brand peanut butter and jelly, cut off his arms and attach them to Will’s shoulders, and then force Will to slap Hannibal across the face while repeatedly saying “stop hitting yourself,” and my only reaction would be to shake my head ruefully and say, “that is just so like Mason.” Like, I’m not sure of the mechanics of that goal, but I completely believe that Mason believes he can achieve it.

But yes, Will was correct. Face-swapping and cannibalism are both on Mason’s agenda.

Mason tells Cordell to moisturize Will because he looks a little dry, while they tell Hannibal their plan for eating him slowly. Hannibal, who is an old hand at slowly dismembering and consuming a person, is frankly unimpressed at the distinct lack of man-eating snails and baked clay on the menu.

Meanwhile, as Cordell is preparing to slather Will’s face with expensive-looking lotion, Will suddenly gets bitey.

Big mistake, Cordell. The only thing more important to Will Graham than dogs is CONSUMER LOYALTY.

But really, never in a thousand years did I think Will was going to be the food that bites back in this situation, and I’m oddly a little proud of him, but nowhere near as proud as Hannibal of course.

Later, after another wardrobe change, Cordell brands a scantily clad Hannibal with the Verger family crest. “He fought bravely and with his own funds against the Humane Slaughter Act,” Cordell says of Mason. I love that Cordell is such a Mason stan. It gives me hope that if someone like Mason can have one fanatical devotee, then I can scrape together at least two.

Cordell fills Hannibal in on the drill by… basically repeating what Mason said at dinner? Cordell goes over some of his planned recipes. Hannibal seems to generally approve of the menu, and he agrees that he would be tasty.

Later, after Mason muses some more about the fate of Hannibal’s genitals, he asks Margot about her relationship with Alana and whether they want children. “I’m sure you’ve had a chance to check under the hood by now. How’s the uterus, intact?” he asks. Ah, it seems that Mason is operating under the common misconception that lesbian sex includes a uterus-viewing segment.

Mason reveals that he’s already found a surrogate for Margot’s eggs, but he won’t tell Margot where she is.

Meanwhile, no one has thought about moving Will from his spot at the dinner table, probably because they’re all afraid he’ll bite them if they get too close. Alana joins him there. Will’s not very happy to see her.

“Almost as ugly as what Mason wants to do to us is the fact that he can do it with the tacit agreement of people sworn to uphold the law,” Will says testily. Oh snap…

But Alana reminds him that she wanted to find Hannibal. She wanted to get to him before Will could because she didn’t think he could help himself. OH SNAP…

“What did you think would happen?” Will incredulously asks Alana about her plan.

Okay, sure, Alana’s plan is kind of iffy, but may I remind you that Will’s plan consisted of sailing alone across an ocean, making an unnecessary detour to Lithuania, getting pushed off a train, vacillating on whether or not he should stab Hannibal, failing to stab Hannibal, getting drugged by Hannibal, and getting his head almost sawed open. At least Alana’s plan got all the major players in the same country? If anything, it cut the cost of all those long-distance phone calls.

“You have to spill blood,” Will urges Alana. “Either by your own hand or someone else’s.” Uh-oh. Will has drunk the blood-flavored Kool-aid and officially gives zero fucks about who lives or dies.

Meanwhile, Margot is paying a visit to Hannibal to get his wise fatherly advice on how to utterly destroy Mason and everything he holds dear.

Hannibal tells Margot that he’d take the blame if she killed Mason: “It would actually be more therapeutic for you to kill him yourself.” How are people still taking Hannibal’s psychiatric advice? You would think the cannibal reveal would be automatically discredit anything he had to say.

Alana wanders in mid-conversation and shoots the sole guard to death/unconsciousness. She walks up to Hannibal and says, “I was trying to save Will from you, but right now you’re the only one who can save him.”

Hannibal promises to save Will and Hannibal always keeps his promises.

She does the thing and she and Margot leave to deal with the Mason situation. Hannibal, now free from his bondage paraphernalia, is ready to wreck shit up.

Speaking of the dams-Will in distress, Will and Mason are prepping for their face swap in Mason’s personal surgery arena. Mason is talking about Will’s face and how nice it is, and believe you me I can totally relate to this sentiment, I really can. I just don’t understand the leap of logic that leads to wanting to wear Will’s nice face? But *shrugs* Mason logic, what can you do?

Cordell preps Will for surgery, and by “prep for surgery,” I mean “completely leave out the anesthesia part of the surgery.”

While Hannibal wreaks havoc upon every single person that looked at Will the wrong way, Margot and Alana find the surrogate. And, uh, she’s a pig.

Also, please note that while this is extremely horrifying, this is still well within the bounds of Mason’s character. So while I was flailing around in horror, I was also shaking my head ruefully and saying, “that is just so like Mason.”

The fetus doesn’t have a heartbeat, which is heartbreaking, but also to be expected, since the surrogate is A FUCKING PIG. (I just thought I should emphasize that fact.)

There’s then an extremely bloody montage of someone’s face being removed and the fetus being removed from the pig (A FUCKING PIG, GUYS!). When Mason wakes up, he’s alone, but when he grabs a mirror he’s wearing a flesh mask. He’s suitably disturbed my this turn of events.

Meanwhile, Hannibal is carrying an unconscious Will from the Verger property, which means that Will either passed out from the pain, or Hannibal drugged him (again), or he was so overcome by emotion when Hannibal came to save him that he swooned into his manly, toned arms. I’ll leave it up to you to decide which it is.

Chiyoh and her gun helpfully pick off goons to aid their escape because Chiyoh’s superpower is to be exactly in the right place at the right time in order to advance the plot.

Back inside, Mason is losing his supervillain cool when Alana and Margot pay him a visit. They are PISSED, but Mason is totally safe because of the whole Verger estate inheritance thing–

But Alana says, “Do you know what happens if we stimulate your prostate gland with a cattle prod?” No, I don’t– Oh God, wait. “Hannibal does.” He does?? “He helped us milk you.” Jesus Christ. I’m done.

Mason angrily brings his gun up to shoot Alana, Margot knocks his hand to the side, he shoots the eel tank below them and topples in, and Margot and Alana hold him down until he drowns, while his pet eel sees an opportunity and FUCKING TAKES IT.

Some undisclosed amount of time later, Hannibal and Will are at Will’s house. He goes out to chat with Chiyoh, who has given up her quest to cage Hannibal. We learn that her hunt was motivated by Mischa, whom Hannibal ate, BUT TECHNICALLY DIDN’T KILL HER.

“The most stable elements, Chiyoh, appear in the middle of the periodic table, roughly between iron and silver,” Hannibal says. “Between iron and silver. I think that’s appropriate for you.” But what about the noble gases?? I guess it’s not really flattering to tell someone they’re between neon and helium.

Also, can someone tell me what the least stable elements are? I’m only asking because I want to know where to mentally place Will Graham on the periodic table. Thank.

Hannibal soon joins Will inside, where Will is just getting up from his slumber. You know some emotional shit is about to go down because the music from the end of Mizumono is playing.

“Do we talk about teacups and time and the rules of disorder?” Hannibal asks. This is Hannibal, so it’s never NOT appropriate to talk about any of those three topics, but Will is apparently tired of them.

“The teacup’s broken. it’s never going to gather itself back together again,” he says.

“Not even in your mind? Your memory palace is building. It’s full of new things. It shares some rooms with my own,” Hannibal says. “I’ve discovered you there, victorious.”

Wait, Hannibal and Will are currently co-owning parts of their memory palaces? Ooph, this is gonna be awkward when they have to divide up their possessions after the messy divorce. At least Abigail’s no longer in the picture.

“I miss my dogs,” Will tells Hannibal. “I’m not going to miss you. I’m not going to find you. I’m not going to look for you. I don’t want to know where you are or what you do. I don’t want to think about you anymore.”

Wow, I’ve never seen to many negatives in one statement. Can’t we just focus on the positives? Remember that time Hannibal made Will soup? And that other time that happened? Wait, never mind. How about that time Hannibal watched Will’s dogs and fed them human meat? And also that other time that happened? Okay, maybe not then.

“You delight in wickedness and then berate yourself for the delight,” Hannibal says.

“You delight. i tolerate. I don’t have your appetite. Goodbye, Hannibal.” Ouch, Will. Ending things on cannibal wordplay of all things.

After having that truth bomb dropped on his head, Hannibal gets up without a word, leaves, and mopes around in the woods outside until the FBI shows up. Speaking of which, later that night the FBI shows up to the party the only way they know how, late as fuck. Jack is leading the pack.

Will tells Jack Hannibal is gone, but Hannibal reveals himself at that moment and surrenders. “I want you to know exactly where I am and where you can always find me,” Hannibal tells Jack, with a pointed glance at Will.

Finally, Chiyoh, who is supervising these events from a distance, walks away and disappears into the snow to join Commendatore Benetti in Florida.

Episode rating:

Finally, I wish I could say that part of my preparation for writing this recap didn’t include watching this clip five times in a row, but that would be A LIE.

Hannibal Review Season 3 Ep.5 Dolce Review

PREVIOUSLY ON HANNIBAL: Both Will and Hannibal were unceremoniously tossed from great heights. Battered, broken, bruised, and bloody, they continue to take their goddamn sweet ass time to reunite at their telepathically agreed upon meeting place. Jack looks on in mild surprise. The episode opens with a bloody Hannibal limping through the luckily empty streets […]

The episode opens with a bloody Hannibal limping through the luckily empty streets of Florence, only stopping to fashion a tourniquet for his leg.

When he gets home, Bedelia puts that MD of hers to good use and bathes and stitches up his wounds but doesn’t seem very happy about it.

Meanwhile, Jack watches as the police cut Pazzi’s body down from the Museum window. It looks like the bowel cleanup crew must have come in earlier in the day because they’re nowhere to be seen.

While Jack is distracted by the proceedings, Will pulls a batman and appears out of nowhere behind Jack and calls out his name. Jack looks at him in surprise. Luckily, he doesn’t ask about Will’s injuries, avoiding an potentially awkward conversation about Will being tossed from a train by a woman he may or may not have coerced into murder, flipping 1003 times through the air, and being led to Florence by a raven feathered stag.

They relocate to the museum to talk about Hannibal. Jack thinks Hannibal’s worried, but Will doesn’t think Hannibal gets worried. This is true. Not only does Hannibal never worry, he also is pretty bad at pretending to be worried.

Will asks if Jack told the police that they were looking for Hannibal Lecter, and Jack pointed out that everyone would become vigilante bounty hunters if they knew who he really was, and Hannibal would just slip away in the confusion.

EXCUSE ME but that scenario sounds awesome. I’m imagining an epic chase scene with Hannibal being pursued on his motorcycle throughout Italy by amateur bounty hunters riding Vespas and gondolas (the two most popular modes of transport in Italy, as is generally known). Kind of like Mad Max, but with more cannibalism and water imagery.

Anyway, Will admits that a part of him will always want to slip away with Hannibal. Jack is like Yeah, all right, dude, you gotta reign that shit in.

Will asks Jack why he didn’t kill him. Jack says that maybe he needs Will to kill him. I guess this is a valid reason? Like in a thematically satisfying kind of way? But practically speaking, Jack, if you have the drop on Hannibal Lecter, you take that shit as the gift it is and fucking run with it.

Over at Hannibal and Bedelia’s abode, Hannibal is very unworriedly drawing the view from the window, while Bedelia packs him a bag to help hasten his (decidedly slow) escape.

When Hannibal notices that she’s packed just one bag, she tells him that she’s planning on parting ways with him:

“I knew that you intended to eat me,” she says, “and I knew that you had no intention of eating me hastily.”

After extracting an assurance that Hannibal will tell the police what she wants him to about her involvement, she says while kissing him, “You may make a meal of me yet, Hannibal…but not today,” and flounces out of the impossible situation that she got herself into like the fucking badass she is.

After the credits, Cordell is cooking pig tails for Mason, making sure to give them “the aesthetic of fingers cut at the joint.” Yum.

“Finger food!” Mason exclaims with glee like this is the most original joke anyone’s ever uttered.

He tells Mason to imagine nibbling on Hannibal’s fingers while he watches.

“Oh, poetry, Cordell. Poetry,” Mason says, while he tries the food. I’m slowly getting a better picture of Cordell’s character, and so far my list includes face masseuse, amateur chef, amateur poet, yes man, and supreme creep.

After Mason rejects all of Cordell’s culinary attempts, they settle on Peking Duck as a suitably horrifying Hanni-meal. Oh, and we get to see the Peking Hanni-duck in Mason’s dream because Mason literally dreams about conquering and eating his enemies like a fucking nerd.

He gets roused from his pleasant dream by a call notifying him that Pazzi screwed up the bounty. Alana, Margot, Mason, and Cordell all gather in the Evil League of Evil’s Control Room to talk alternative cannibal-catching strategies.

They settle on bribing the whole police department because the best way to solve a problem is to throw money at it, and the best way to catch Hannibal is to throw a veritable army at him. (Omg, will my Mads’ Hannibal: Fury Road idea come to fruition??)

Meanwhile, Bedelia prepares to drug herself when Chiyoh strolls in through the front door with a big ass gun. Bedelia, obviously taking note of the big ass gun, correctly assumes that Chiyoh is there for Hannibal.

That’s the real line. Isn’t that just the best?

They establish that Chiyoh is Hannibal’s “family” and Bedelia is Hannibal’s “psychiatrist.” Mercifully, no one is anyone’s “nakama” in this scenario so we don’t have to try to figure out that word again.

“You’re like his bird,” Chiyoh says. “I’m his bird too. He puts us in cages to see what we’ll do.”

Thank God for Chiyoh. I was frankly disturbed by the lack of animal metaphors in this episode, but I can always count on Chiyoh to bring her A game.

Chiyoh says that she was there when Hannibal grew up, but she doesn’t want to kill him, she wants to cage him (a fitting enough form of revenge, I guess). Bedelia wonders if Chiyoh isn’t Hannibal’s biggest mistake and ruminates on this revelation for the briefest of moments–

She does that. A short time later, after the drugs have taken effect, Will and Jack come a-knocking. She lets them in and they question her about Hannibal. Neither believes that Hannibal brainwashed her, but Jack is rather impressed by her ability to stick to her alibi whilst high as a kite, while Will is 100% done with her shit. The whole scene is a fucking delight.

While Jack and Bedelia are distracted with talk about how Mason Verger bought the entire police force, Will batmans himself out of the room because his internal Hannibal sensor notified him that their highly anticipated meeting time is nigh.

Over at the Vergers’, Margot gives Mason a sitrep on the whole buying an entire police force thing. Surprisingly, it seems to be going rather well.

Mason tells Margot that his biggest regret was taking away her ability to have children. Mason pls. “You weaponized your uterus,” Mason says. “You shouldn’t have been waving it around like a loaded pistol.” Margot drily agrees that she brought it on herself, but she’s rolling her eyes so hard I fear for her eye safety.

Mason then goes on the say phrases that I had hoped never to hear uttered by Mason Verger, including “loads of viable sperm” and “viable uteruses” and “parenting classes.” *shudders* He wants them to be a family again. Margot is unimpressed.

She then goes off to read her brand new copy of Sperm Harvesting for Dummies.

Over at the Uffizi Gallery, where the Meeting of the Nakama has been preordained, Hannibal is sitting in front of Botticelli’s Primavera, coping with his loneliness the way I would cope with my loneliness if I had any artistic sensibilities: by drawing erotic fan art of the characters from Hannibal.

Will wanders in and sits down next to him. They smile adorably at each other.

Ngl I got a little emotional during this scene on my re-watch. The background music that echoes Bloodfest from the end of Mizumono IS. NOT. HELPING.

“If I saw you every day forever, Will. I would remember this time,” Hannibal says. With a huge smile, Will says that it’s strange seeing Hannibal in front of him (yeah, I know the feel, bro), and that he wanted to understand Hannibal before seeing him again.

Hannibal asks Will how he differentiates between his past and future. “Before you and after you,” Will answers. This, incidentally, is how I measure time as well. Everything before Hannibal vs. everything after. According to the Fannibal calendar, we are currently in Year 3 AHP (three years after the Hannibal premiere).

Will says, “You and I have begun to blur.” Oh good, I thought those were just my tears that I was seeing. Will goes on to say that every crime of Hannibal’s feels like one that he’s guilty of, that they’re conjoined: “I wonder whether either of us can survive separation.”

This type of relationship, boys and girls, is what ecologists like to refer to as obligate mutualism, while psychiatrists call it good old-fashioned codependency. I personally like to refer to it as UGH STOP THIS IS TOO MUCH HELP IT HURTS BUT LIKE IN A GOOD WAY??, but to each her own, I guess.

They limp out of the Uffizi gallery together to go get shot at by Chiyoh. She shoots Will with a sniper rifle as he pulls a knife from his pocket. Will Graham is not having a good day, but honestly it hasn’t been his worst.

Next, there’s a scene that ostensibly involves kaleidoscopic, abstract sex between two women, but could also just as well be Alana and Margot doing arts and crafts together with their shirts off. I still am not entirely sure which it is.

But, wait. Alana and Margot didn’t even know each other a couple of episodes ago and never showed any interest in each other, and NOW THEY’RE MAKING SWEET SWEET CONSENSUAL ARTS AND CRAFTS TOGETHER?? THIS IS RIDICU–

Wait, what was that, Rafiki?

Well, if you say so.

Huh. I see your point.

Afterwards, as they’re getting dressed, Margot asks if Alana has any experience harvesting sperm, as one usually asks of their partner right after having sex with them.

Meanwhile, Bedelia and Jack are being questioned by the police, who have presumably all been bought by Mason Verger by now. Damn, he moves fast. We meet a corrupt Italian police officer whose name we never learn, and Bedelia continues to maintain her damsel in distress act:

The corrupt Italian police officer lets Jack go, but keeps Bedelia for questioning.

Over at Sogliato’s house, Hannibal is preparing to remove the bullet from Will’s shoulder. Before he gets to it, he puts the knife Will dropped in his hand and says, “You dropped your forgiveness, Will. You forgive how God forgives.”

Hannibal sticks a syringe in Will, while Will protests weakly. Okay, Will’s day has definitely taken a turn, but still not the WORST day he’s ever had.

After some trippy Hannibal/Will-merging visuals, a clean and patched up Will sits at the dinner table/ is tied to his chair at the dinner table, while Hannibal feeds him soup. Hannibal says that he regrets leaving Italy, and that he would have liked to show Will Florence.

“Soup isn’t very good,” says Will, completely ignoring Hannibal’s sentimental ramblings. Since he can’t fight back physically, it looks like Will is gonna do his feeble best to insult Hannibal’s cooking. But the soup is to make Will tastier for Hannibal (naturally).

While this is happening, Jack and Chiyoh get on the elevator at Sogliato’s apartment building together, but Chiyoh quickly makes a quick beeline to the stairs when she realizes that they’re headed to the same place.

That leaves Jack to enter the apartment alone. He finds Will sitting alone at the table. Jack walks up to Will and gently shakes his shoulder. Will looks up slowly and says, “He’s under the table, Jack.” Right as he says that, Hannibal pops out from under the table (for that is indeed where he was) to slice Jack’s Achilles tendon.

Wow, Will. Thanks for the timely warning. I know you’re drugged and extremely confused, but you gotta get your head in the game, son. THERE IS A CANNIBAL WHO HIDES UNDERNEATH FURNITURE ON THE LOOSE.

Over at the Fell residence, the sleazy, handsy, corrupt Italian police officer/amateur bounty hunter continues to question Bedelia. She drops her act a little and tells him that Hannibal and “his friend” will be “somewhere no one is supposed to be.”

Meanwhile, the dinner party from hell continues over at the place where no one is supposed to be, but where everyone seems to be anyway. Both Will and Jack are sitting at the dinner table now, drugged and immobile, while Hannibal makes pleasant dinner conversation.

“Jack was the first to suggest getting inside your head,” Hannibal says to Will as he takes out an ornate box. “Now, we both have the opportunity to chew quite literally what we’ve only chewed figuratively.” Ah, it looks like Hannibal is also aware that the best way to defeat Will Graham is to get literal on him.

Hannibal takes out a buzzsaw and brings it close to Will’s head. Jack says what we’ve all been saying since Year 1 AHP.

And then he makes a face that we’ve all been making since Hannibal took out the buzzsaw.

Hannibal starts sawing away at Will’s skull. Okay, fine. This is without a doubt Will Graham’s worst day ever. At least he’s drugged out of his mind, so he bears all of these proceedings with aplomb, as if getting his head sawed open is something that happens to him all the time, like getting psychoanalyzed or being shot at.

After some brief scenes of trees and pigs, we are transported to Muskrat Farm where Hannibal and Will (skull still intact, thank god) are hanging upside down from their feet, while facing their final boss Mason Verger.

NEXT TIME ON HANNIBAL: Hannibal and Will face their greatest obstacle yet! Will an outside threat be what they need to start trusting each other and work together to become the truest of nakama? Yeah, probably not.

Rating: 9/10

Hannibal Season 3 Ep.4 Contorno Review

ROUND 2… FIGHT! Note: Full spoilers for the episode follow. The episode opens with Will and Chiyo sitting in a dark train headed through a dreary countryside toward Florence and whispering slowly to each other about Hannibal. Honestly, I don’t understand why people complain about how dark this show is. I personally have […]

ROUND 2… FIGHT!

Note: Full spoilers for the episode follow.

The episode opens with Will and Chiyo sitting in a dark train headed through a dreary countryside toward Florence and whispering slowly to each other about Hannibal.

Honestly, I don’t understand why people complain about how dark this show is. I personally have rectified this problem by locking myself into a windowless vault and donning night vision goggles every Thursday night at 10. After making this adjustment, I can 100% see everything on the screen most of the time.

It’s easy, guys. Come on now.

Chiyo tells Will about her childhood with Hannibal. They used to play a game where he would make her identify burnt wood and incense solely by scent because apparently Hannibal’s long term plans for Chiyo involved slowly boring her to death.

“He was charming the way a cub is charming. A small cub that grows to be like one of the big cats,” Chiyo says.

I really like this metaphor, but I have to confess the first time I watched the episode, I thought she said “cup” instead of “cub,” so my real-time experience of this line went something like this:

“He was charming the way a cup is charming…

(Me: huh, weird adjective for a cup, but not the first time someone’s been compared to a drinking vessel on this show so ok)

“A small cup that grows…

(Me: what a weird anthropomorphic cup, but I’m still totally on board with this metaphor)

“…to be like one of the big cats.”

(Me: this is some next-level metaphor shit. I can’t wait to unpack this analogy at a later date)

Full Disclosure: English is my second lnaguage

Will inadvertently channels Hannibal’s murder mentor schtick by needling Chiyo about murdering Nameless Cannibal two episodes ago. However, Will’s murder mentor game is frankly weak and seems to consist mostly of smiling smugly and being a creepy fuck. Needless to say, Chiyo isn’t biting. When asked if she keeps seeing the murder in her mind, she says she sees Will because the best way to throw off Will Graham is to get literal on him.

Will smiles creepily.

They then talk about how snails are resilient fuckers that can survive a bird’s digestive tract and then viciously fight over which of them is the snail in this metaphor and which the bird, but they do so very slowly in complete darkness and in hushed tones.

After some softcore snudity, we are transported to Florence where Hannibal is feeding Bedelia some snails (to complete the circle of imagery, I suppose).

Hannibal says he used to maintain snail gardens to attract fireflies when he was younger, and, sure, fireflies live brief lives, but Hannibal thinks that it’s “better to live true to yourself for an instant than never know it.”

Bedelia brings up Will Graham: “Almost anything can be trained to resist it’s instinct. A shepherd dog doesn’t savage the sheep.”

“But it wants to,” says Hannibal, who presumes to understand the inner workings of a dog’s mind. “Will has reached a stage of moral dumbfounding. Empathy and reciprocity.” Is that what Will’s current life stage is called? If so, then I hope he outgrows it fairly quickly. I find it a little wearying.

Bedelia tells Hannibal that Will Graham is on his way to kill Hannibal, while Hannibal lies in wait to kill him. This image neatly ties in with the Hannicat and Will Dograham metaphors. Dogs hunt their prey, while cats lie in wait for their prey. I’m totally on board with this metaphor and 88% sure that I’m hearing it correctly.

Cue credits.

After the credits, Jack stands on a bridge in Florence and tosses Bella’s ashes into the river, along with his wedding ring. The cinematography is stunning. Here’s a gratuitously self indulgent gif of it.

OOoooohhhh.

Jack has dinner at Pazzi’s house, where we’re introduced to Pazzi’s wife because if Pazzi must die at the end of the episode, then he is going to leave behind as much emotional baggage as possible OR SO HELP HIM.

Jack and Pazzi talk about Pazzi’s current disgraced status at the Questura. Jack warns him of the dangers of operating outside of the law. Pazzi absorbs none of this advice and instead devotes all of his effort to correcting Jack’s pronunciation.

Oh, and they’re eating hare because if everyone else gets a fursona this episode, then Pazzi’s is totally a dead rabbit.

Next scene, Alana is teaching Mason about cutlery. She tries to tell Mason how she tracked Hannibal down to Italy, but Mason seems to be chiefly concerned with being a gross fuck.

“How do you taste, Dr. Bloom?” he says like a gross fuck. “Sweet, I bet. I’m sure you got a taste of him too. Spitters are quitters, and you don’t strike me as a quitter.”

Excuse me while I boil myself in oil. It’ll have the double effect of cleansing my soul, while also making me into a tasty treat. Alana somehow manages to ignore Mason and settles for glaring at him instead.

Suffice it to say, Mason is pleased with Alana’s sleuthing. “Bravo,” he congratulates her (because he’s the type of guy who says “bravo” unironically).

Later, on the Train of Gloomy Lighting and Even Gloomier Conversation, Will and Chiyo are having the grimmest sleepover party ever. The type of sleepover that includes bunk beds and gossiping about boys, sure, but also includes approximately 100% more awkward pauses and taxidermy talk than the average sleepover.

Will asks Chiyo if she ever thought about what she was becoming while she was stuck at Lecter Manor. Chiyo insists that she wasn’t becoming anything, that she was stuck, that she’s not malleable like Will, that she killed out of necessity, that frankly it’s starting to look like a necessity to toss Will off the train–

“Hannibal and I afforded each other an experience we may not otherwise have had,” Will continues, and Chiyo says that Will is afraid that if he doesn’t kill Hannibal, he’ll become him, but that “there are means of influence other than violence.”

Next scene, Pazzi visits Hannibal at the museum to question him about the disappearance of his predecessor. He recognizes Hannibal instantly and does a not very good job of hiding it.

Pazzi briefly asks Hannibal about Sogliato and turns to walk away, but Hannibal calls him back to ask whether he is “Pazzi of the Pazzi.”

“How did you know that?” Pazzi asks suspiciously. Dude, because your last name is literally Pazzi and you’re Italian? *Facepalm*

Hannibal gives us a history lesson on the Pazzi family, after which our Pazzi (I guess we’ll take ownership of him) asks Hannibal to call him if he finds any clues.

Pazzi leaves to go stare at at Hannibal’s wanted notice for a few hours.

After that, he calls the Where In The World Is Hannibal Lecter Hotline from a payphone in a scene where we learn that he is motivated not only by a desire to restore his honor, but also by a desire for money? All right then.

Meanwhile, Hannibal plays the piano at home while imagining sketching Botticelli in his black and white days and talking to Bedelia about the difference between the piano and harpsichord. It seems that Hannibal’s longterm plans for Bedelia also involve boring her to death.

Bedelia just wants to know if Pazzi knew who he was.

“When I looked into his face and stood close enough to smell him, I was well aware that all the elements of epiphany were present,” says Hannibal, who can not only smell medical maladies, but apparently the physiological underpinnings of abstract thought as well. (Quick! On a scale from 1 to encephalitis, how sweet do elements of epiphany smell?)

Bedelia seems a little frustrated with Hannibal’s inaction, but Hannibal tells her that bounties are great as an early warning system. He then helpfully explains why Pazzi would all of a sudden be interested in a bounty. Long answer: credit has a short half-life. Short answer: dolla dolla bill y’all (and because Thomas Harris said so).

Will has a nightmare of a dead Chiyo impaled upside down on antlers. Will’s anxiety dreams appear to mostly involve him accidentally mixing up symbols from the different seasons of Hannibal.

Will wakes up to find Chiyo gone and joins her out on the train balcony. When asked why she’s looking for Hannibal, she admits that she already knows that he’s in Florence. She didn’t tell Will because “there are means of influence other than violence.”

She then kisses him and says, “But violence is what you understand,” and then pushes Will right over the railing.

In his fall, Will breaks four of Newton’s Three Laws of Motion and does eight dozen barrel rolls off the train.

He lands heavily on the train tracks, hopefully hard enough to knock some of the creepy fuck out of him (Not all! Just some), hopefully not hard enough to greatly hinder the rest of his journey to Florence.

As he lays on the tracks, the Ravenstag appears and rouses him to lead him onwards.

Over at a bank, Pazzi is Skyping with Mason Verger and Alana Bloom. Mason offers three million dollars for Hannibal alive, but tells Pazzi that he needs to acquire one of Hannibal’s fingerprints. After they settle the terms, Mason bids Pazzi farewell with an “toodle-oo” and the three of them spend the next five minutes awkwardly staring at the screen trying to figure out how to hang up a Skype call.

Pazzi goes fingerprint hunting at the museum. He and Hannibal share heirlooms of one of Pazzi’s ancestors Francesco de Pazzi, who was hanged for treachery. Does anyone else smell all the elements of irony or is that just me?

During this conversation, Pazzi clumsily tries to snag a knife Hannibal had been using to slice fruit, in the process committing such rookie mistakes as turning his back on Hannibal, being unsubtle as fuck, and being a dumbass in general.

Hannibal takes him down while Pazzi pockets the knife to no one’s very great surprise, except perhaps Pazzi’s.

Pazzi comes to strapped to a hand cart. Hannibal cheerfully informs him that his liver and kidneys would be suitable for eating right away, and if he tells him what he wishes to know, he would at least consider not nomming on him.

“You can trust me, you know?” Hannibal says with much camaraderie, as if he weren’t presently fashioning a noose out of cord. Pazzi tells Hannibal what he he sold him to Mason Verger.

“Thank you,” says Hannibal. “I called the number on his ‘wanted’ site once, far from here, just for fun.” Hannibal goes to such great lengths to be a troll. I love it.

Mid-interrogation, a concerned Alana calls Pazzi, probably to warn him not to turn his back on Hannibal or to be a dumbass in general. Hannibal picks up the phone instead.

“Inspector Pazzi. My name is Alana Bloom. You don’t know me, but I know your benefactor,” Alana begins. Don’t lie, Alana. We were all present for that awkward Skype call.

Hannibal interrupts her and tells her that she caught him at an awkward moment, though he’d love to chat with her at a more convenient time and hangs up.

Turning his attention back to Pazzi, he asks, “Bowels in or bowels out?” chooses for him, slices open his stomach, and pushes him out the window.

Anyway, Jack, who had just been having coffee with Pazzi’s wife, arrives just in time to see this display. Jack and Hannibal lock eyes, and IT IS ON.

Hannibal heads back inside and quickly goes on the defense when he can’t immediately detect Jack. Hannibal’s defense strategy seems to chiefly involve him being loud as fuck while he goads Jack about Bella.

Jack, who can’t fight with out some pump up music, puts on some classical music, sneaks up behind Hannibal without shoes and sends him flying through the glass of a museum display.

There then ensues a thoroughly satisfying three minute fight sequence between Jack and Hannibal, though to call it a fight scene would be erroneous. It’s more of a no holds barred beat down because Hannibal doesn’t manage to land a single hit.

During this brief span of time Hannibal’s body gets twisted in all manner of uncomfortable positions, and Jack has zero intention of untwisting him to their mutual benefit.

To his credit, Hannibal manages to maintain a certain smug air throughout the fight, as if this beating were merely a minor inconvenience like, say, a traffic jam or a census taker.

Jack finishes the fight by hitting Hannibal upside the head with a grappling hook, which sends Hannibal out the window.

On his way down, Hannibal manages to grab hold of Pazzi’s body to break his fall, hits the ground, gets up, and hobbles off. Jack looks as shocked as I am that Hannibal can manage to walk at all.

While Jack is struck immobile by his shock, Hannibal walks off to go find Will so they can talk shit about everyone who’s ever tossed them from a great height and also bitch about how no one else, like, really gets them, you know?

Probably.

Rate: 10/10